Sophie’s Story

Dear Sophie,  here is your story as you wrote it.  You are so wonderful, strong, upright, and determined, and I am in awe that you keep going.  I’m thinking of you every day, sending you my love forever. Sincerely, Mae.

Sophie: This is completely nerve wracking, but I know I’m ready. When I was 4 or a little younger, my parents were really close with another couple. Our family had 3 young children with another on the way and they did too. We kids were literally inseparable, the dads were always hanging out and our mums did whatever pregnant women do when they get together. We were all best buddies. I especially like the dad of their family, we called him Uncle Rosco because that’s how my little brother Noah pronounced ‘Uncle Oscar’. He was a lot of fun because he played outside with us and read us bedtime stories, everything my own dad never did. It was unusual for me to trust adults other than my parents because I’m extremely protective of my older sister, Nico. She has Asperger Syndrome which consequently makes her senses amazingly sharp. It can be useful at times, she is the master of sniffing out hidden chocolate, but mostly it’s just hard for her to function in everyday situations, because scenarios that might seem comfortable to you and me can be too bright or too loud for her. She especially doesn’t like to be touched if she isn’t the one who initiates it, a simple hug or even brushing past her can reduce her to tears. I didn’t like her to be upset so I didn’t let people near her. She loved Uncle Rosco though, he was delicate with her and embraced her quirks completely which won me over.

One night we had all been at another neighbour’s house. It was getting late, past our bedtime, so Rosco said he would take the little kids, including me, home and put us to bed. The other adults and the older kids would stay a couple hours more and keep having fun. I was really tired and fell asleep in the car on the way home. He carried us all inside and put his daughter, Brooke and I on the couch while he put Noah and Brooke’s little brother Oscar Jr. to bed. Brooke and I were carried to her room and I expected to be tucked in with her but her put her pjs on, kissed her goodnight and then carried me to the older brother Jason’s bedroom. I was put on the bed and I just lay there with my eyes closed because I was so tired. I let him take my clothes off but he never put my pjs on. He was lying on the bed next to me, I liked being cuddled because it was nice and warm. Then he started touching me and it hurt so I pretended to stir in my sleep, hoping if he thought he might wake me he would go away. I was getting scared and uncomfortable, I wanted my mama. He moved around on the bed and I felt him push my knees apart. I wasn’t sure what was happening until I felt insane pressure and terrifying pain. I opened my eyes and tried to cry out, he slammed his hand down on my face and said, “Don’t make a sound, you’ll wake the babies. You can’t tell mama or daddy about this because you’ll be punished and I’ll have to play this game with Nico instead”. That terrified me to say the least. I didn’t want him to hurt her so I did my best to behave even though it was painful and I couldn’t help crying.

The sheets were soaking wet and I was afraid I would get in trouble, I couldn’t see or even comprehend that it was blood. I don’t remember much about what happened afterwards, but I do have one distinct memory of him brushing my hair and the brush ripping through a knot under my ear where he had wound one of my curls around his finger and pulled on it while he raped me. To this day if someone pulls my hair or if my hairbrush catches on a tangled piece of hair in that spot, I have to go puke or even have a seizure which is part of my PTSD.

He continued to abuse me for 3 more years and never touched Nico. Thankfully my mum only had baby boys during that time. Our families eventually grew apart and I never told my parents about Rosco. I don’t blame them for it, they had no reason to suspect him. I bathed, dressed and went to the bathroom by myself at that age so they wouldn’t gave seen any physical clues. They did eventually get a divorce, before my youngest sister was even a year old. My change in behaviour had put a strain on their relationship. Even though they already had 6 kids together, dad remarried within a year and had 5 replacement babies. In hindsight, Rosco never would have abused Nico because she can’t stand to be touched. She would have screamed and cried and told our parents immediately. He knew I would do anything for her so he manipulated my protective instinct.

This is the first time I’ve ever shared my story with anyone. I like the freedom that speaking out has given me. I think when I build up my confidence some more I will share the rest of my story too. But for now, I just want to say to everyone who has ever been sexually abused, I strongly believe that karma is going to kick that sick bastard’s ass. - Sophie xx

but all my friends and all the teachers think she has bulimia now and all these rumours are spreading round and people are always asking me about it and its so hard to ignore the fact that i know what happend! i feel so horrible for my friend i can not imagine what it would of been like! and i see her everyday and just pretend i no nothing but n relality i need to hug her and cry with her i need to be there for her but she doesnt no i no! i dont no what to do! i am not aloud to tell her i no because it is a serious private court case now and im the only person outside that wasnt at the scene that knows! i feel so horrible just ignoring her when i no she is pain! what should i do? xx sorry about these long messages but its so horibble knoeiing something about some one and you are not alowed to talk about it what so ever it just in my head and it wont get out!xxx

Honestly, the best thing you can do is just be there for her.  There is nothing you can do to help, fix, or better the situation other than being available if she comes to you.

A lot of people’s first reaction (including mine) in times of crisis is “What can I do?”  Sometimes, it’s about holding your tongue, keeping your head down, but keeping it in mind.  Stay active, stay aware, and definitely dispel rumors of her having bulimia.  Tell everyone who asks you that she’s just going through a difficult time and is under a lot of stress (which she is).  Don’t take on anything or feel like you’re obligated to act a certain way.  You’re doing the right thing so far- you’re keeping secrets that aren’t yours, and you should be proud of yourself for that.  She will tell whoever she feels like when she is ready. but until she comes out with what she comes out with don’t spread anything.  These are HER secrets and HER issues and she will deal with them however she can.  She will cope and process and survive this however she can.  The people around honestly don’t matter-  I’m hoping/guessing this is a high school…  Gossip will be gossip and soon it won’t matter.  Your friend will realize that.

Don’t push your needs on her her.  You don’t need to do anything with her; remember, she will go to whoever she needs to for help.  If you start demanding that you “need to hug her and and cry with her” then you’re forcing her to put that much more on her plate.  She’s now forced to take care of you as well as herself through this difficult time and that is not fair.

Good luck! Put anything in my ask whenever, just let me know <3  And never worry about long messages, I’ll read every single one of them.

luna-linaa:

“I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break.”

— wasted, marya hornbacher

(via sick-andtwisted)